There was a time when I kept a very neat and tidy house which was roughly around the same time as when I kept a neat and tidy 'bush', by which I am not referring to my rose garden. Or am I? There's too many euphemisms for your nethers these days, I'm confusing myself now. 

When I was 'blessed' with just the one child (replace 'blessed' with 'cursed' by tea time) I was able to spend a couple of hours tidying the house. Every Saturday morning I'd get my box of cleaning tricks & spend half the morning upstairs and the other half downstairs. Then I'd spend the next hour doing my hair and make up ready to go off for the afternoon. 

Fast forward a few kids and these days are far behind me! 

Cleaning the house is one of the most pointless things I spend my time doing. As soon as I clean it, it's tainted by some spillage or other or fluff appears from somewhere that I can't explain? Where do you come from fluff? 

But, there's a clean freak inside me that forces me to ignore the fact it'll be dirty as soon as it's clean and I carry on regardless. Well I do, and I don't, because certain short cuts have had to come into play. 

For example, my cleaning box of tricks has now been downgraded to a pack of Flash wipes. They do the job. And they do it quick. The flash wipes live upstairs ready to catch fallen toothpaste and wee on the floor.

Downstairs I've managed to master the art of baby wiping everything. They clean the baby, they clean bums, (kids bums- I haven't got a bum cleaning service going off!) they clean the kids, they clean the make up off my face and they clean the house- brilliant. (NB: I don't use the same wipe for all of the above- these wipes are good but not that good!) 

Then out comes the hoover and ta'daaaar.. Clean house.. On a time budget. 

Now onto me.. 

There was a time when make up happened. Hair happened. And leaving the house with crust on my face didn't happen. Fast forward a few kids and I'm less of the yummy and more of the crummy.

Now don't be mistaken because I didn't lead a life of glitz & glamour back in the day, but I definitely didn't get handed boogies at the end of fingers or shown a bum crack to check the poo had all gone, and if this had happened a few years ago, I would've dumped him!! 

But I've looked better.. These days the hair gets slapped back into a pony tail and my make-up is a one wand wonder. I scrape the crust off my face and brush that bit of sick out of my hair and off I go. 

So, as a result I've come up with a list of tried and tested methods to sorting house and self when you're a busy mum. 

House: 

1. Buy a stack of wipes. Any wipes, all of them they do what they're called. They wipe. They wipe faces, shit, food, dust, dirt. They just wipe. 

(NB: If you follow my advice and buy any wipes, be aware that Flash wipes on you or your kids faces might actually wipe away their features, there's chemicals in those bad boys)

2. Hoover. Hoover anything that will fit up the pipe. Hoovers aren't just for sucking up spiders. An odd sock comes out the wash and you don't have time to find the other one- Hoover it up. (NB: just as a tip, the other sock will no doubt be somewhere in the corner of the inside-out bedding you put in the washer at the same time- but you don't have time to fish around for that)

3. You can dust most things using your stocking'd foot- some areas may need more flexibility than others, but if you've got a clingy baby that insists on being held as you do your jobs, you can make use of them by using their feet as well. Providing they still have their socks on. One will probably be on the pavement somewhere.

Mum:

1. Hair tip. Shave the lot off. You're going to tie it back anyway because you probably haven't washed it for a week, you definitely won't have dyed it so having no hair saves the grey hair coming through. If you don't shave it off your baby is going to pull the whole lot out anyway and if that doesn't happen, it's going to become a magnet for sick, food & paint- call everyone's bluff and get rid.

2. Make up. Don't bother with lippy- it'll get smeared across your face by tiny hands anyway. Kiss some beetroot- same effect. 

In fact while you've got the beetroot dab some on your cheeks for blusher -same effect. Less time. 

3. You want a shower. Forget it. You haven't got time for that shit. Get some wipes and wipe all your nooks and crannies. (NB: follow same advice above re: flash wipes, you might not use your crannies these days but you don't want them to disintegrate) 

Obviously these tips won't work for everyone. And not everyone needs my tips. Some people have that weird thing called 'time'. 

I saw a very pretty girl the other day, all manicured with HD Brows, like she'd just stepped out of a salon hair and wearing white jeans. I had serious white jean envy. I can't wear white jeans.. Small people will cause white jeans to become several other colours. 

Would pretty girl have to contend with small people wiping their hands all over her legs?? I doubt it. Unless pretty girl worked as a bar maid in a dwarf club. Pretty girl can keep clean and pristine without a beetroot kiss in sight. She has time. 

But alas, white jeans are the least of my worries, I run a tight ship here - I've got to hurry up and make the kids some microchips and super noodles before dipping the dishes in some water and baby wiping them down before bed. Now which pack do I use again.!?